The Escalator Manual
There is an old joke that goes something like; The power went out at the mall today. Two morons got stuck on the escalator for hours. Canadians may have used “Newfie” instead of morons, or “Polacks” if you’re still into racist polish jokes.
You may not laugh at my presentation of the joke, but I bet you never expected to find a manual on how to use the escalator. Apparently it’s not as easy as we all thought. I guess morons do need help sometimes. What follows is a 6 page manual for using the escalators that was given away free to any passengers of the Toronto Transit authority. How to get upstairs and downstairs in Toronto’s Subway system.
THIS IS A REAL PRODUCT! You may think I am a creating satirist creating a fake parody for the idiots of the world but this is not the case. I’m just showing a REAL pamphlet that exists.
|Note that it doesn’t differentiate that you should only hold the hand of the small children if they are yours.|
|Never go against traffic? But running up the down escalator is something every teen (and/or drunk) has to try at least once in their life.|
|I personally hate it when conversations start spontaneously at the bottom of an escalator, often about me, and how I’ve been holding the hand of a small child that wasn’t mine.|
|If they’re not available, you’re out of luck – but as a cripple, you’re probably used to it by now.|
Remember these facts.
|Riders don’t have to be cautious on escalator.Of course, some people don’t feel they have to be cautious at all. That’s what Lawyers are for, after the fact.|
|Life lesson: ignore what you see in cartoons.|
|I believe “too fast” is a personal opinion, like too hot or too sour. How can they tell me my opinion is wrong?|
|Union rules. A two day training course is required called THE ON BUTTON|
|So what they’re saying is, if the escalator does turn off because somebody pressed the off button, don’t use them like stairs. Wait in position till a trained professional returns to press the on button.I am fascinated that this text was “used by permission from the EESF”. I’m not sure if this disclaimer is to protect against plagiarism lawyers, or to use as an out when people complain how stupid it is that the manual says you can’t walk on an escalator that is off.|
|There may be a quiz|
|In an emergency, push the STOP button at the top or bottom of the escalator, but don’t run to get to it, don’t go backwards down the escalator, and don’t jostle, push or shove, and once stopped, don’t use the escalator as stairs.In other words, in an emergency, or if you find a problem, you’re probably going to have to decide which rule to break. This manual offers no help with this judgment call. Perhaps the EESF manual from which portions were lifted, has more detailed moral assistance|