Your Horroscope

Slightly less accurate than a fortune cookie

SCORPIO – On a Sunday in December a stranger will come up to you and hand you a dirty sock. Thank him kindly and offer him 50 cents for it.

SAGITTARIUS – You could make a lot of money going up to Scorpios and selling dirty socks to them for 50 cents each every Sundays

CAPRICORN – You will have a dream in February about an African Elephant, an Emu, and a humpless camel. It could be worth writing about and selling the movie rights.

AQUARIUS – Your pet goldfish will come down with a terrible contagious disease and you’ll be forced to call in a specialist all the way from Peru.

PISCES – You will come into a deal of money when your lawyer advises you to sue the soup company for leaving the ‘G’ out of your alphabet soup.

ARIES – 2003 is only 362 days for you. Somewhere in the middle of July you will skip two Thursdays due to exhaustion, and a Tuesday to go to your piano lesson.

TAURUS – Do not accept any large sums of money from white tied men who speak in a muffled voice. It could be counterfeit – even if you do want to buy a new hat.

GEMINI – Someone will offer you $6000 for the use of your name in a cat food commercial, but you realize it will mean you’ll have to find a new one so you will refuse.

CANCER – Very early in the year you will be given a small sum of money by someone you know. Do not give it to anyone in exchange for magic beans.

LEO – You will become confused by your fingernails and why they seem to collect dirt under them within minutes of cleaning.

VIRGO – During a card game, you will be dealt two 4’s.

LIBRA – It is unlikely that you will find a new miracle cure for every known disease, so you might as well give up trying and start collecting stamps instead.