Table Tug of War

by Jeff Goebel
Released to the public domain.

3 Characters of any type.
Customer
Waiter 1 (W1)
Waiter 2 (W2)
Scene: A small Restaurant

The curtain opens on a small restaurant. A CUSTOMER enters and a DING bell is heard. They are shown to a seat in the center of the stage.
W1: (Politely) Good evening, (sir). May I take your order?
(W1 is interrupted by W2, who walks in purposefully from stage right.)
W2: (Garishly) Excuse me, it is my turn. I have been waiting for a customer all evening.
Customer: I think –
W1: (Interrupting the customer), Throughout the evening, I have been stuck with moody customers. I need a friendly one.
W2: (Cutting off W1 and speaking to the customer, avit of desperation in his voice) Look, my cat ran away this morning! I need a win today.
Customer: If you just –
W1: (Rudely interrupting the customer, Counteracting) Well, my goldfish died last night! This could be the pick-me-up I need.
This absurd bickering continues, becoming sillier and sillier as they display a comedic inability to agree on anything.
W1 and W2: (In unison) Rock, paper, scissors!
They both throw rock, tie and argue over the rules, replaying two more times only to tie again before escalating to arm wrestling. The CUSTOMER listens, amused and increasingly frustrated as the tug of war continues.W1 & W2:

They continue to argue and play any game you can think of to win. They may even have an audience member think of a number and try to guess it (wrong) They can arm wrestle or what other absurdity you choose)

CUSTOMER: Look fellas. I just want a small Pepsi to go. Its not a big deal.

(In unison, quickly) No Pepsi, is Coke ok?
(CUSTOMER sighs and shakes his head.)
Customer: (Disappointed) No.
(Then without another word, the CUSTOMER walks out, the door chimes jingling behind him. W1 and W2 are left standing behind the counter, surprised. The restaurant chatter quiets down. W1 and W2 then look at each other and share a laugh.)
W1: (Chuckles, then asks W2) Did Lenny the goldfish really die. I always liked him?
W2: (Laughs, nods) Yeah, but we probably shouldn’t have tried to get him drunk.

As the lights blackout we hear the door ding and see them both recklessly run off stage towards the door fighting to be first.
(They both share a hearty laugh as the curtain falls.)
End Scene