Who’s on First

Kirk – Ah… hello Mister Spock.
Spock – Good day, Captain.
Kirk – Are you an avid baseball fan?
Spock – Baseball is a tactical game played on a geometric pattern
of 4 sides with a spherical object. The purpose is to knock
the ‘s**t out of’ the object amidst loud verbalizations of
‘Hurrah’ and ‘Kock ’em on their a**.’ Is this correct?
Kirk – Indeed. We are in the process of learning about one of the
baseball teams from old Earth.
Spock – Oh? I am quite versed with old Earth history… perhaps I
may be of assistance.
Kirk – That’s the idea.
Spock – Very well… proceed.
Kirk – Alright… Who’s on first.
Spock – I am unable to determine who is on first without proper
information concerning the team and year, sir.
Kirk – So?
Spock – Perhaps we could start with who the team is, and I can test
the accuracy.
Kirk – No… Who’s on first.
Spock – I do not know.
Kirk – No… he’s third base.
Spock – Who is?
Kirk – No… he’s first base.
Spock – Who is?
Kirk – Correct.
Spock – Who is correct?
Kirk – Sometimes.
Spock – Who is sometimes?
Kirk – No… Who is first baseman. I’m not familiar with
Sometimes’ identity.
Spock – Who’s identity?
Kirk – No… him I know… he’s first baseman.
Spock – Who is?
Kirk – Right.
Spock – Perhaps we can discuss the identity of the second baseman.
Kirk – What.
Spock – I said the second baseman.
Kirk – What.
Spock – This is highly illogical. You have no apparent auditory
dysfunction, sir. Now, as I asked… who is the second
baseman?
Kirk – No… you didn’t ask that, and Who is the first baseman.
Spock – I am not familiar with that piece of information, sir.
McCoy – Dammit, Spock! You messed up the whole setup there!
Spock – Forgive me Doctor… I am not a comedian.
McCoy – Obviously.
Spock – That much is certain.
McCoy – Just get back to the skit.
Spock – Very well. Captain… I ask you… politely… who is the
second baseman?
Kirk – No… Who is the first baseman. What is the second baseman.
Spock – That is incorrect, Captain. The second baseman is obviously
a sentient being, and therefore should be referred to as
who, and not what. ‘Who is the second baseman,’ not ‘what is
the second baseman.’
Kirk – Wrong, Spock. Who is the first baseman, and What is the
second baseman.
Spock – That statement is most illogical.
Kirk – Okay… wait a minute. We’ll get Scotty… he’s Scottish..
he must love baseball. Oh Mister Scott…
Scott – Aye, Cap’n?
Kirk – Who is the first baseman of the team we were talking about.
Scott – Aye, Cap’n. It ain’t never been any other way!
Kirk – You see, Spock?
Spock – Yes… Mister Scott seems to know the material well.
Alright, Mister Scott… who is the second baseman?
Scott – Ach! No, Mister Spock! That be What you’re talking about!
Spock – I know that be what… er… is what I’m talking about. I
am very intelligent, and rarely lose track of what I am
talking about.
Scott – Ach! Don’t bring track inta this! That be a bloomin’
field event!
Spock – What has this got to do with field events?
Scott – Ach! No! What’s the second baseman!
Spock – Again, I note that a person should be referred to as ‘who’
and not ‘what’ Mister Scott.
Scott – Only if he’s tha first baseman, Mister Spock!
Spock – What you are saying is most illogical.
Scott – Ach! No! What’s a real bright fella!
Spock – Who is a ‘real bright fella’ Mister Scott?
Scott – No! Who… now he’s a real dope, sir!
Spock – Who is?
Scott – Right!
Spock – You are relieved, Mister Scott.
Scott – Aye, sir. Spock – Sir… this is most illogical, and I am no longer interested
in learning who the second baseman is. I am also growing
impatient.
Kirk – No… Who’s the first baseman.
Spock – Very well sir. Good day, gentlemen, or whoever you are.
[Spock leaves.]
Kirk – Whoever! I forgot about him! Wait… I don’t remember a
Whoever on the team…