Question: Where do Star Trek fans go to lift weights?
Answer: The “He’s dead, Gym”!
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Question: How many ears does Picard have?
Answer: Three. A right ear. A left ear. And a final front ear.
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Question: What did Picard say as Data struggled to repair the Marclosian Stitching Machine?
Answer: “Make it sew.”
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Question: What did the first officer answer when Picard asked “Why did you let Troi win at poker?”
Answer: “Because I Riker.”
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Question: What did the blonde Klingon say?
Answer: “It was a good day to dye.”
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Question: What is Thomas Riker’s dating philosophy?
Answer: “If at first you don’t succeed, try Troi again.”
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Question: What do you get if you cross a borg with a black magic marker?
Answer: A borg with a big black X on it.
(Submitted by Judy Cook.)
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Question: What did Worf say when small ice asteroids began hitting the Enterprise hull?
Answer: “Captain, we are being hailed.”
(Submitted by Todd Felton of Victoria, BC)
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Question: What did Will Riker say when he discovered that he had a transporter duplicate?
Answer: “We’re Number One! We’re Number One!”
(Submitted by Theodore J. Miller)
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Question: Why are Beverly Crusher, Worf, and Deanna Troi similar?
Answer: Because one’s a Doc, one’s a Worf, and one’s a Marina.
(Submitted by Theodore J. Miller)
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Question: What does Major Kira’s emergency signal sound like?
Answer: NANA NANA NANA NANA.
(Submitted by Martin Jack of Brighton, England)
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Question: Did you hear about the singing contest for young men at Starfleet Academy?
Answer: It’s called the Kirk Tenor Prize.
(Submitted by Geoff Hooker of Wheaton, IL)
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Question: How many of the Enterprise’s senior officers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Answer: All of them. One to screw it in, and the rest to debate the moral implications.
(Submitted by Ted and Rick Sheridan of San Francisco, CA)
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Question: What did LaForge say when his girlfriend asked him what to wear on their date?
Answer: “I’m BLIND!”
(Submitted by Ted and Rick Sheridan of San Francisco, CA)
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Question: What did Lore use to kill Data’s cat?
Answer:Spot remover.
(Submitted by Ted and Rick Sheridan of San Francisco, CA)
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Question: What do you call it when that Strategic Operations Officer on DS9 runs as fast as he can?
Answer: Worf Speed.
(Submitted by Rick Sheridan of San Francisco, CA)
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Question: Why couldn’t Kira get permanent quarters on DS9?
Answer: Because everybody knew she was a Visitor.
(Submitted by Lynette Farrand of Fair Grove, MO)
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Question: What did the senior staff of DS9 sing when Kira was packing to leave at the beginning of “The Circle”?
Answer: Nana, Nana . . . Nana, Nana . . . Hey, hey, hey, goodbye!
(Submitted by Lynette Farrand of Fair Grove, MO)
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Question: What do you do if O’Brien refuses to fix your ship after you dock at DS9?
Answer: Colm Meaney. (For those of you who don’t know “Colm” isn’t pronounced “Kohlm.” It’s pronounced more like “column.”
(Submitted by Lynette Farrand of Fair Grove, MO)
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Question: What is Sisko’s favorite breakfast?
Answer: Quarker Oates.
(Submitted by Andrew Melicor of Bloomfield Hills, MI)
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Question: How would B’Elana Torres introduce her significant other?
Answer: I’d like you to meet my better third.
(Submitted by Andrew Melicor of Bloomfield Hills, MI)
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Question: What do you get when Gul Dukat kills off his half-Bajoran, half-Cardassian daughter?
Answer: Bacardi on ice.
(Submitted by Michaela Schlocker of Stanford University)
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Question: Did you hear that the crew of the Enterprise is getting married?
Answer: They have engaged the Borg.
(Submitted by Judy Cook)
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Question: What do you get when you cross Lwaxana Troi with the bridge of a Starfleet vessel?
Answer: An empty bridge
(Submitted by David Tayman)
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Question: Did you hear that Jonathan Frakes is starring in a remake of an old James Bond movie?
Answer: It’s called Moonriker.
(Submitted by Owen Fralic)
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Question: What did the Jamaican say to the Ferengi captain who was visiting Earth?
Answer: Have a nice Dai Mon.
(Submitted by Owen Fralic)
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Question: What do you get when you throw the casing of an unborn chicken at Quark’s nephew?
Answer: Egg Nog.
(Submitted by Owen Fralic)
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Question: Why did Quark travel back in time to 15th century Spain?
Answer: He wanted to learn the Rules of Inquisition.
(Submitted by Kevin Loughlin)
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“Knock-knock” “Who’s there?” “Jeordi!” “Jeordi who?” “Didn’t Jeordi ask me that?”
(Submitted by Steve Cormier)
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Question: What would the communication officer of DS9 say to Captain Sisko when a person is going on and on on the fifth channel of communications?
Answer: Sir Babylon 5.
(Submitted by Joe Pintar)
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Question: How many TOS landing party members does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but the extra red-shirt will die in the attempt.
(Submitted by Lee Lorenz)
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Question: How many Voyager crew members does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Answer: However many it takes, you can be sure a shuttlecraft will be destroyed during the attempt.
(Submitted by Lee Lorenz)
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Question: What did Picard say when Worf told him “The shields are failing!”
Answer: “Give ’em more homework!”
Question: What did McCoy say when he say Ensign Pillsbury?
Answer: “He’s BREAD Jim!”
(Submitted by Richard Steenbergen)
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Question: What do you call a cross between a Ferengi and a Kryptonian?
Answer: Quark Kent.
(Submitted by Dan Case)
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Question: On which street does the captain of the Voyager reside on earth?
Answer: On Jane Way
(Submitted by Mine Sharpe)
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Question: What does everyone yell when someone falls of the edge of the cube-shaped ocean liner?
Answer: “Man over-Borg!”
(Submitted by Murray Leeder)
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Question: Why didn’t the Enterprise come to a complete stop at the interstellar mall?
Answer: The crew was shopping on impulse.
(Submitted by Brian Smith)
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Question: Did you hear about the diminutive Betazoid that escaped from prison?
Answer: The headline read “Small Medium at Large.”
(Submitted by Robert Beeler)
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Question: Why does Odo contain wilted lettuce?
Answer: Because the Founders made him a salad.
(Submitted by Murray Leeder)
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Question: Why aren’t the synthesizers making Spock’s uniform any longer?
Answer: They’re long enough already.
Question: What did Kirk ask after Bones had been cloned?
Answer: “Which one of you is the real McCoy?”
(Submitted by Aaron Nadler)
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Question: What do you call it when the psychotic Holodoc dodges your punches?
Answer: Darkling duck!
(Submitted by Brad Higgins)
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Question: What do you call an android playing an acoustic guitar?
Answer: Folk-Lore!
Question: How many Klingons does it take to change a lightbulb?
Answer: None, they’re not afraid of the dark.
Question: What do they do to the lightbulb?
Answer: Execute it for failure.
Question: What do they do to the Klingon who changes the bulb?
Answer: Execute him for cowardice.
