Nightmare on the Enterprise

Subject: Parody Mount Press Release: #175 – Nightmare On the Enterprise
Summary: Wesley and Picard leave series.  Everyone happy? Lines: 767

STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION — “Nightmare on the Enterprise.”
The crew struggles to cope with the death of Wesley Crusher, as a murderer stalks the decks of the Enterprise.

YULE LOG LISTING:   Wesley bites the big one…on Star Trek:  The Next Generation!

A friend at New World TV, the new producers of ST:TNG as of season 4, snuck out this script to me and said I could post it.  Big changes in store for Star Trek, let me tell you. This is the Season 4 opener.

Spoilers Follow: (Like, the whole story!) But let me warn you, those of you who wanted to see Wesley and Picard leave, and find out who would be the new captain, will unfortunately get your wish.

Story by Quantum Buc
Directed by Arnold Schwartzenegger
Guest starring Yahoo Serious, Emo Phillips, Scott Bakula, and Burt Ward as the Beaver

[Scene begins with Enterprise in orbit around Earth.  Zoom in on Commander Riker, in the Captain’s Chair. Rest of Bridge crew are unknowns.]

RIKER:  Ship’s Log, Commander…*BURP* William T. Riker reporting.      The Captain has beamed down to Earth to preside over the funeral      of Acting Ensign Wesley Crusher.  Mr. Crusher was killed in      the line of duty when the anti-matter couplers on his modified      shuttle malfunctioned, destroying the vessel, and atomizing      the little sh…soldier.  How the controlling rods to the      coupler got removed and left in the starboard port-o-john      remains a mystery, but Captain Picard promises a full      investigation, eventually.

[Captain Picard, Worf, Data, Geordi, and Troi enter the bridge. Riker struggles to remove himself from the chair.  He then puts on the stupid smile and poses, stopping to wipe mustard from his chins]

RIKER:  How did the service go, Captain?

PICARD:  Oh, as well as can be expected, Number One.  I was rather      surprised at the turnout though.  I didn’t realize that Mr.      Crusher was so liked by his fellow shipmates.

WORF: (under his breath) They just wanted to make sure the little      snot was really dead.

PICARD:  What was that, Mr. Worf?

WORF:  I said, Wesley Crusher had quite an effect on the crew.      His…absence will be constantly noticed.

GEORDIE:  Yeah.  The party’s at 1800 hours.  Uh, wake that is.

RIKER:  Excellent.  How is the Doctor holding up?

TROI: Quite well actually.  I sense some deep sorrow, but she seems      rather in control, otherwise.  William, my eyes are up here,      not down there.

PICARD:  Yes. Well, just the same, I’d feel much better if the Doctor      spent the night in my cabin.

RIKER:  …drool…Yeah, I just bet you would.

PICARD:  What was that, Number One?

RIKER:  I said, Excellent idea.  You always have the crew’s best      interest in mind.  What was done with Wesley’s remains?

PICARD:  All we had left was the energy matrix that the Energex could      separate from the anti-matter radiation.  Beverly had the      energy released into the boy’s favorite lake near where he      grew up.

[intercom whistles]

O’BRIEN:  Transporter Room to Bridge.

PICARD:  Go ahead, Chief.

O’BRIEN:  We’ve beamed up the last of the crew.  If it’s okay with      you, I’ll be taking the transporters off-line for a while.

PICARD:  Anything wrong?

O’BRIEN:  Well, we had a strange energy fluctuation  as I beamed      up the last group.  Nothing serious, but I would like to check it      out.

PICARD:  Okay.  But make sure you have everything functioning by the      time we reach Akfilu-click-click-Huch 7.

O’BRIEN:  Aye, sir.  They dinna’ call me the miracle worker for nothin’.

PICARD:  Uh, right.  Bridge out.

[Bright Flare on Bridge]

Q:  Intruder alert, guys.

PICARD:  Q.  Why did I know you’d be showing up?

Q:  Because it’s in my contract.  Actually, I’m here about the loss      of your loved one.


Q:  Wesley Crusher!

PICARD:  Oh. Yes.  We’re in deep mourning, so please…

Q:  Yes, well, as you know, Wesley is a special person…


Q: Yes, was.  Thanks Chunky.  Anyway, since you’ve all been so kind      to me in the past, I thought the least I could do was resurrect      the little sprite.


Q: What?

PICARD:  Er…what they meant is that we humans accept death as the      natural conclusion to life.  We must not demean Wesley’s life      by belittling his death.  No.  Wesley is dead, and as his      friends, we must respect that.  He has passed on to a better      place.

DATA:  Wrigley’s Pleasure Planet?

Q:  Very well Picard.  But I hope you know just how pissed the      Intergalactic Superior Species Commission For Special People      is going to be. Au Regarde, mes amis.

[Q Departs.  Intercom whistles again]

GUINAN:  Captain?  This is Ten-Forward.

PICARD: Guinan?  It’s rare that you call the bridge.  What’s wrong?

GUINAN:  Geez, dude. Can’t I ever call without gettin that kind of      response? “Guinan, this is a surprise. Guinan, what’s wrong?      Guinan, tell me about Tasha. Guinan, can you do that thing      with your tongue for me!”

RIKER:  Cough, cough.

GUINAN:  Ahem. Anyway. Captain, is everything all right? I sensed…      something.

PICARD: Q just paid us a visit. That is probably what you sensed.

GUINAN:  Yes, I suppose so.  Sorry to bother you.

PICARD:  No bother at all.

GUINAN:  Guinan out.

TROI:  Well, sir. I’m going to check in on Dr. Crusher before I go      off duty.

PICARD:  Very well.  Tell her I’ll be by…later.

RIKER:  Counselor, may I give you a hand to the lift?

TROI:  Will, those aren’t my hands you’re lifting.

RIKER:  Oh. Sorry.

PICARD:  Number One.  Take a cold shower.  And get a better fitting      uniform.

[Captain disdainfully removes pizza crust from his chair and sits as scene fades to commercial. ]


[Scene fades in as Riker and Troi walk down Deck 12.]

RIKER:  Aw, come on Deanna.  It’s been months.

TROI:  Will, I told you, we can’t do that anymore.

RIKER:  It’s because I’ve…beefed up, isn’t it?

TROI: Not at all.  We just aren’t allowed to do that anymore.

RIKER:  Says who?

TROI:  Says Rodden…listen.  Please leave me alone.

[She runs off.  Riker kicks the wall then heads off to the mess. Troi runs into her cabin, undresses and goes into the turbo shower. Camera pans as she soaps her neck, arms, throat, brea…cough cough. Anyway, long camera pans occur followed by…]

TROI:  I sense…I sense…

[Suddenly music blares eee  eee eee eee eee A figure leaps in and stabs Troi dozens of times with a laser scalpel, as she screams and her blood runs down her glistening body into the turbo drain.]

TROI:  The pain, oh. Ugh.


[Scene resumes on the bridge.]

WORF:  Captain. Intruder Alert remains in effect.  Security reports      all decks secure.  No Intruder has been found.

PICARD:  Then what are you suggesting?

WORF: That Troi’s murderer may not be an intruder.  There were      several witnesses that…


WORF:  That Commander Riker had a rather verbal argument with the      counsellor just moments before her death.

PICARD:  You’re not suggesting…

WORF:  Merely stating the obvious, sir.


DATA:  Captain, logically, the Commander is the most likely subject.      Ever since the Counsellor started her sex therapy classes, the      Commander has been quite agitated.  And everyone is well aware      that the counsellor has of late refused to copulate with Commander      Riker.

PICARD: What?!?

DATA: Copulate: To make love, have sex, do it, boff, shove it in,      fu…

PICARD:  Enough!!!… Perhaps I’d better have a word with him.  Mr.      Data, sigh, you have the bridge.

[Picard exits.]

DATA:  I do?  I do not remember being given one.

[commercial] [Return to bridge scene]

WORF:  Commander, it has been quite some time since the Captain      went to see Commander Riker.

DATA:  No it has not. It has only been about five minutes. Six, if      they put in an extra commercial to fill the time.


DATA:  Perhaps you are right.  [Presses nipple, I mean, communicator.]      Data to Captain Picard.  [waits] Come in Captain.

WORF:  Computer. Locate Captain Picard.

COMPUTER:  Captain Picard is on Holodeck 69.

WORF:  Probably doing that idiotic Dickboy Hill thing again.

DATA:  Computer, what program is currently running on Holodeck 69?

COMPUTER:  Worf Calisthenics Sequence, Level 10.

WORF:  COMPUTER, RED ALERT!  Security team to Holodeck 69!

DATA: I shall accompany you. Uh, uh, hmm. Ensign Beckett, you are      now in com…er, that is, (in Shakespearean accent) you have      the bridge.

ENSIGN:  Oh boy!

[scene cuts to Deck 69.  Data and Worf are running down the deck. Suddenly, there is a multi-colored flash and two bug-eyed scaly beings appear. Worf draws his phaser.]

ALIEN1:  Cease your sketching, Klingon.  I am Zootjenepasdestylo,      of the Eeeayeeaydominay Confederation.

DATA:  I am afraid it would take Captain Picard to be able to      pronounce that.

ALIEN1:  We have come to converse with the Wesley Crusher.

ALIEN2: He is very special, you know.

DATA:  I am sorry, but he is currently dead.  Should this situation      change, we shall be sure to contact you.

ALIEN1:  This will not be tolerated.  Grrr.

[They leave] [Worf and Data reach the holodeck]

REDSHIRT1:  I’ve just overridden the security code, sir.

WORF:That took you 3.5 seconds more than is acceptable.  I will see      you in my quarters later.

[REDSHIRT1 turns white]

REDSHIRT1:  Gulp. Yyyes, sssir.

[Three Redshirts run into the holodeck.  Seconds later various body parts come flying through the open doorway]

DATA:  Computer, cancel program.

COMPUTER:  Request Denied. Security Level of Lt. Commander Data      insufficient. Program continuing.

WORF:  Just stay here.

[He enters holodeck.  Moments later, various body parts belonging to little boys in leather fly through door, de-ressing (dissipating) as they leave the room.]

WORF:  You can come in now.

[Data scans the room, past Worf’s blood soaked form.  In the corner, they find Captain Picard’s torso.  Nearby is his head, minus the nose.  The rest of him cannot be found.]

WORF:  How is this possible?  The security locks…

DATA: …have been overridden.

WORF:  But who would have the knowledge to do such a thing?

DATA:  Someone who is merely toying with us.

[Ominous music, followed by…]

WORF:  I know where we can start.  Security team, meet me at Commander Riker’s quarters.  You have…45 seconds.

[Over Worf’s communicator we hear running feet, screams, ‘yessir’s,and assorted commotion.]


[Scene resumes in Riker’s cabin.  Walls are covered with posters from movie “Blind Date” and Little Caesar’s Pizza ads. Worf and Data are there, as are several out of breath security officers]

DATA:  Commander, could you tell me what occurred between yourself      and the Captain?

RIKER:  What are you…burp…talking about?  I haven’t seen the      Captain since I left the bridge.

WORF:  You LIE!!! We KNOW Captain Picard came to see you about      Counsellor Troi.

RIKER:  Deanna, oh Deanna, sob.  I …I can’t go on without her.

[There is a noise from the closet. Eerie music plays again as Worf draws phaser and opens door. Suddenly a scantily clad ensign falls out. She goes over and slaps Riker]

WOMAN:  You beast.  I thought you said I was the only one for you.

[Riker shrugs and looks sheepish.]

DATA:  Commander, I am afraid that, pending an investigation, I      must place you under arrest.  However, I am willing to confine      you to your cabin.  Mr. Worf, please post a guard.

WORF:  By the way, has anyone seen Dr. Pulask..I mean, Dr. Crusher      since this all started?

DATA:  Hmm. No. Perhaps I had better visit her.  The news will no      doubt be quite shocking.


DATA:  Lt. Commander Data to Bridge.  Come in Bridge.


[Worf and Data run out of cabin.  Riker starts to follow, but pretty blonde Security officer pushes him back in.  Riker looks annoyed, looks at the officer, pulls his shirt over his bulge, and smiles.  She smiles back.]

[Scene cuts to Turbolift]

WORF:  Why won’t this infernal THING open?

DATA:  Somebody has overridden the controls.

[Worf struggles to part doors, but they don’t budge.  Data pushes him aside, inserts one finger between the doors, and flicks the finger. The doors fly open.  Worf looks mighty annoyed at Data, then enters Bridge.  Data gets a big smile on his face, then enters bridge. Bridge is cluttered with bodies.  A strange gas still lingers. Data goes over to ops station and activates the screen.  We see the lower portion of the Enterprise streaking away.  Suddenly, it explodes, blinding the bridge with bright light.]

DATA:  Someone has separated the saucer section and destroyed the      rest of the ship.

WORF:  That means that Geordi and the others…

[Sudden coughing noise from aside gets Worf’s attention.  He draws phaser and runs to wall.  Looks puzzledly at it for a second, then fires phaser at wall.  Sparks fly, circuits sizzle, and a door slides open.  Inside is Geordi LaForge, semi-conscious on the toilet, clutching his EngineerBoy Magazine.]

WORF:  I didn’t know we had one of those things here.

GEORDI:  {cough cough} You don’t {cough} read the blueprints {wheeze}       man.

DATA: I have blown all of the gas out of the exhaust.  You are      quite lucky you were in here.  You too are lucky, Worf, that      the gas seems to have no effect on Klingons.

WORF:  [Rips a fart] Yes. [Rips another]

[Emergency fans activate again.]

GEORDI:  Man, this is getting ridiculous. If Wesley was still here,      we’d have had this solved hours ago.

DATA:  It gets worse.  We are apparently locked on a collision      course with the star Gootchie III.  I am unable to alter our      course.

WORF:  At least we know that the Commander is innocent.  He is locked      within his cabin, and cannot be responsible for this.

{Communicator Beeps}

DATA:  Bridge. Lt. Commander Data here.

GUINAN:  Data, is everything all right up there?

DATA: Actually…

GUINAN: Listen. Listen to da words of the wise, chile. Dere be evil afoot,      evil dat consumes. Evil dat hungers, evil…

DATA:  Excuse me.  I do not understand what you are saying.

GUINAN:  What I’m sayin’, meathead, is that bad shit is goin’ down!

DATA:  Hmmm…

WORF:  COMMANDER!  Ensign Goodbody is dead.  Her leather clad body was      found strapped to Commander Riker’s bed, with a large spear protruding      up through the bed and her chest.

DATA:  Computer.  Locate Commander Riker.

COMPUTER:  Commander Riker on Deck 7, moving towards sickbay,…dear.

WORF: Security team, apprehend Commander Riker before he reaches sickbay.       {waits}  SECURITY!!!  If you do not answer, I will see ALL of you      in my quarters this evening.

DATA:  Worf, look.

[Data points to screen on console showing the Security area. Bodies lie strewn about, some with hatchets in their heads, some with arrows, some dismembered.]


DATA:  Let us go find him immediately. By the way, why does our computer      sound like Luaxana Troi?

[They enter the turbo lift. [Sudden glow of light in the center of the bridge.  A bald, white alien with a halo and flowing robes hovers in the middle of the bridge.]

ALIEN:  I have come to converse with Wesley Crusher.  He is special, you      know.

[Turbolift doors close.  Scene cuts to doors opening, and they run down the deck. They reach Sickbay, but the doors refuse to open.  Worf struggles and grunts for a few seconds as Data looks on amused.  Worf notices Data’s smirk and moves aside, angrily gesturing to the door.  Data blows on it and it explodes inward.  Worf dives in the room firing wildly.  Four patients get blasted against the wall by super-heavy stun. Worf shrugs sheepishly.]

WORF:  Riker!  Surrender or I will be forced to seriously hurt you!

[Suddenly, Riker’s head appears from around the corner.]

DATA:  I am glad to see you are coming to your senses.  Although I fail to      see why you have…’lost your head’, as the human saying goes.

[Suddenly, Riker’s head falls to the ground, with goo and guts dripping out of it.  Dr. Crusher steps out from the room, her hands dripping with blood.]

DATA:  Ah, Doctor.  I am glad to see you are well.  I am sorry we had to      interrupt your surgery, but…

WORF:  Data, SHUT UP!  She’s the killer.  I can…smell it.

DATA: not understand.  All I can smell is your foul body odor.

CRUSHER:  I..I didn’t want to do it. He made me.  Can’t you see him, standing there?  He made me.

DATA:  Doctor, you are quite ill.  There is no one here but the three of us.      Please give yourself up.


[Worf whips his phaser up and fires.  The blast barely slows her down.]

WORF:  Hmm.  I will have to use…(Big smile)  Kill setting.

[He pushes lever on phaser and you hear a high pitched drone. He fires again and Dr. Crusher goes flying through a bulkhead, to come to rest in the next room]

WORF:  Who the fuck got rid of the KILL setting?

DATA:  I am afraid we never had a kill setting.  We are peaceful you know.      The best we have is super-heavy stun.

WORF:  But we HAD kill before. I’ve seen Riker…

DATA:  I am afraid it was a mass hallucination.  Regardless, we must restrain  the Doctor before she revives.

[As DATA enters the room, he is hit in the head by an axe. Circuits and goo fly as he flies across the room, and comes to rest behind a medical table. We see Wesley Crusher, slightly decomposed and covered with muck and blood, standing there with an axe, smiling.  On his face is strapped Captain Picard’s nose.]

WORF:  The BOY!!!

WESLEY:  Yes, you Klingon Panzy.  I’m BAAAACCK!  And I’ve killed them all!      I’m CAPTAIN WESLEY now!

WORF:  You are merely a boy.  As a mater of fact, you are a dead boy.  I can      beat you easily.

WESLEY:  Like you did all of those nights while my bitch mom was gone?  Come      on then you Klingon wuss.  Take your best shot.

[Worf snarls and lunges at Wesley.  He throws several brutal punches and then snarls again, but his snarl turns into a high pitched shriek.  We then see Wesley’s hand moving up from Worf’s crotch, filled with a good portion of Worf’s groin.  Worf stare’s in disbelief, then keels over.]

WESLEY:  Just as I though.  No balls!

WORF:  First a nanny, and now a dead boy….ack…..{thud}

WESLEY:  It’s mine!  The ship is mine!  Now I shall destroy it!

[His head spins around as he hears a door close. Looking around, he sees that Data is gone.  He screams an unholy scream and runs out after Data.]


[Scene resumes with a very damaged Data running down the hall.  Suddenly, walls start dropping down in the corridor.  The camera pans back down the hall to see Wesley slowly following, dragging his decomposing body after Data.  He speaks into a communicator.  His voice is carried through the intercom.]

WESLEY:  DAAAAATAAAAA!  I’m COMMMMMING!  I control the ship now! I’ve killed them all! That frog  captain, that whore Troi with her breasts flopping all over the place,  that pompous fat ass Riker, Everyone!

[Suddenly, a figure drops down from a Jeffrie’s tube.]

GEORDIE:  Not everyone, punk!

[Geordie is wearing a red headband, cut off shirt, and carrying a large lethal looking gun]

GEORDIE:  Eat hot photon, punk!

[He fires a blast at Wesley and the explosion atomizes the boy.  Geordie is blown back about ten feet and slams into a bulkhead.]

GEORDIE:  Uhhhh! I got him.  It’s over, Data.

WESLEY:  No it’s not, Magoo!

[Wesley’s hand reaches out from the bulkhead and lifts Geordie up by his neck.  Wesley then steps out of the wall, his body glittering of energy.  He throws Geordie’s body  through a bulkhead, pulping it.]

WESLEY:  Bdee bdee bdee, that’s all folks.  No one left alive but you and me,      Pinocchio.  And actually, neither of us is alive!  Ha!  I kill me!  Your      still trapped, Robbie the Robot.  Heeeeeere’s Wesley!

[Wesley opens the bulkhead in front of him, and Data is not there.  In the next bulkhead we see a hole in the shape of Data’s body.  Wesley screams an inhuman roar and follows.]

[Cut to Data’s lab.]

DATA:  Second Officer’s Log.  I am trapped in my lab, injured and swiftly      losing consciousness. A most fascinating sensation. The insane corpse      of Acting Ensign Wesley Crusher is at this moment, moments away      from entering this lab and destroying me.  After researching this      phenomenon, I have discovered that the lake that was the final resting      place of Wesley’s energy matrix has an ‘infamous’ history to it.      Crystal Lake, as it is known, is said to possess paranormal abilities.      I can only hypothesize that whatever ‘energy’, perhaps an alien life      form, that exists there mingled with the boy’s life force to create this      creature.  I now see only one chance for this ship’s survival.  I intend      to activate my ‘project’ that I had been secretly working on.  Ever      since my failure with Laal, my daughter, I have been trying to expand      upon my past work.  Using the records contained in  Star Fleet’s      Transporter Computer and data banks, and also using much of the theory      behind the Holodeck that we have learned since the episode with Dr.      Moriarity, I have attempted to resurrect one of the Federation’s      greatest heroes. I can only hope that…

[Suddenly the door to Data’s lab blows inward into shrapnel, and Wesley enters]

WESLEY:  Honey!  I’m Home!

[Data starts pushing buttons at lightening speed.  Wesley walks over and rips off both of Data’s arms.]

WESLEY:  Oh, I’m sorry. You were busy.  Let me help you.  I’m smart. Can I      lend you a hand?

[He holds up one of Data’s hands.]

DATA:  Is this black humor you are attempting?  I have studied it.

[Wesley screams and rips off Data’s legs.  His torso and head fall to the floor.]

WESLEY: Awww.  Now I’ve left you without a leg to stand on.

DATA: Ah.  This IS humor.  I believe I understood that reference. You are attempting physical humor, much in the vein that the great Earth comedian, Gal…

WESLEY:  SHUT UP Damn it!  You’re supposed to be scared!  That’s the way it works!

DATA:  You know I am incapable of any emotion.

[Wesley screams and throws Data across the room.]

WESLEY:  Any last words before I rip you up into little chips?

DATA:  Yes, just one.

WESLEY:  And that is?

DATA: Activate.

[Suddenly, the lift thingie lowers down, and we see a male form wearing an outdated Starfleet uniform.]

KIRK: Now, just what do you think you are doing, young man?  You’re a mess.

WESLEY:  This…this relic is supposed to stop me?

KIRK:  I’m not here to stop you son.  I agree with you.  Everyone on the      Enterprise-D must be destroyed.  Correct?


KIRK:  Bright lad.  And as we can see, you’ve pretty much accomplished that.      Poor Data will cease to function any minute.


KIRK:  AH ah ah.  You’ve forgotten one person.  One member of the      Enterprise-D crew still exists.

WESLEY:  WHO?!?  I must KILL him!

KIRK: Why, yourself, son.  you’re the last one.  You must carry out your      prime directive. You must Kill YOURSELF.

WESLEY:  Huh? But…

KIRK:  But but but.  All talk and no action.  No time for thinking.  Are you      going to finish the job, or are you…chicken?

[Wesley starts to turn blue]

WESLEY: Chicken?  Nobody calls Wesley Crusher chicken!  I’ll show you!

[He starts to scream and tear himself to pieces.  He finally fades away in an electromagnetic light show.]

DATA: That was most impressive, sir.

KIRK:  It was nothing.  I do it all the time.

DATA:  I am afraid that I am about to deactivate.  Thank you for saving my      ship.

KIRK:  Not your ship, MY ship.  I’ve come home again.  And soon, you’ll be      well again to.

[The screen darkens as Data goes unconscious]


[We fade in for the closer.  The camera pans around the bridge to see all of it’s little lights and thingies flashing and beeping again.  The ship is whole once more, as we see a quick exterior shot of the NCC-1701-E. Inside, we see Captain James Kirk in the Center chair.  The other two chairs have been removed.  At the science station is Data, wearing pointed ears and green tinted skin.  At communications is Guinan, looking real pissed off about having to wear a red miniskirt.  The intercom beeps.]

CRUSHER:  Are we ready to leave, Jim?

KIRK:  Yes, Bones.  We’re off to Boldly Go Where No MAN Has Gone Before.

CRUSHER:  Aye, sir.  I’ll…see you later.

KIRK:  Right.  Mr. Data, take us out of here.

DATA:  Aye, Captain.

[Suddenly there is a bright flash on the bridge.  A Purple Insectoid suddenly appears, chittering.]

ALIEN:  I have come to see Wesley Crusher.  He is quite special, you know.      May I converse with him?

[Kirk stands and does a flying kick into the alien who slams into the bulkhead and slumps unconscious.  A security guard drags him off.]

KIRK:  Not on MY Ship, Mister.  Full speed ahead.

[Enterprise fades into space]


There you all are.  I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY!