Lost Voyager Script

Star Trek: Voyager–“Adverloruim E Pluribus Unium”

(exterior shot: The USS Voyager speeds through the nucharted Delta Quadrant on it’s long journey home. She backfires twice.)

(Interior, bridge: The entire crew, except Torres and the Doctor, are there)

Janeway: Mr Paris. Did you put in regular unleaded? I specifically told you to put in $20 worth of super duper ultra fantastic unleaded with Techron. That stuff ain’t cheap you know.

Paris: Honest captian! I put in the expensive stuff!

Janeway: I make it a policy to trust anyone wearing that uniform. I believe you Mr. Paris.

Paris: (siliently to himself as he pockets a ten dollar bill) Sucker.


(Cut to the Voyager opening sequence, sung to the theme of Gilligan’s Island)

Just sit right back and you’ll hear a tale A tale of a fateful trip. That started from this Bajoran port Aboard this tiny ship. The Captian was a la-dy A female tried and true. Those officer’s set sail that day. For a 3 hour tour A 3 hour tour The plasma started gettin rough The tiny ship was thrown. If not for the brain of the fearless cap. The core would’ve blown. The core would’ve blown. The ship stopped here on the edge of this Uncharted Delta Quad. With Janeway! Chakotay too! Tom Paris! Neelix and Kes! The Hol-o-gram. The dweeb and the Klingon! Here on UPN!!!


(interior of the bridge)

Kim: Are we there Yet?

Janeway: No, Harry. Be patient.

Chakotay: Well, I don’t know about you, but I could use a shower. (To Janeway) Care to join me, sweet cheeks?

Janeway: (really miffed) Your out of line commander!

Chakotay: Oh, come on it’s just a joke.

Janeway: Well, I’M not laughing!

Chakotay: Oh, you should take it as a compliment! It looks like you haven’t been with a man since Doctor McCoy started wearing Depends!

Janeway: I have a boyfriend!!!

Chakotay: (sarcasticly) Ohhhhhh. I bet he’s a lucky man to wake up to that face every morning.

Paris: You two stop fighting right now or I’m going to turn this starship around and go back the way we came!!!

(Chakotay and Janeway look at each other and sit down)

Kim: Are we there yet.

Janeway: No Honey, push the pretty buttons why don’t you?

Kim: Okeydokey!

Tuvok: Captian, I must warn you. As you know, Vulcans must mate once every seven years. well it’s been 6 years, 11 months, and 30 days, and, as humans would say, I’m horney as hell.

Neelix: Can’t you cross your legs or something?

Tuvok: I am afraid not.

Janeway: (Concerned) If Tuvok’s mating instict takes hold of him, no woman on the ship is safe!

(Chakotay smirks)

Janeway: Or men!

(Chakotay frowns, shifts in his seat and crosses his legs)

Chakotay: Commander Chakotay to sickbay. Activate emergency medical holographic program. (no answer) Doctor are you there?

Kes: Oh, that doesn’t work anymore! I hooked the doctor to a clapper!

Chakotay: A what!?

Kes: You know, clap on! (She claps twice)

Doctor: (On intercom) Please state the nature…

Kes: Clap off! (she claps two more times and the Doctor vanishes)

Kim: Cool!!! (He begins clapping really fast)

Doctor: Please… stop… doing… that… you… little… son… of… a…

Chakotay: No Harry, Bad!

Kim: (Begins to cry) I just wanted to have (sniff) uh… uh… little fun. (He blows his nose on his uniform making a disgusting snot stain)

Neelix: You know I could make a wonderful pasta sauce out of that!

(Paris fights back the vomit)

Janeway: (clapps twice) Can you hear me Doctor?

Doctor: Yes captian, please inform Mr. Kim that his next physical will be exceptionally PAINFULL!!!

(Kim swallows hard)

Janeway: We need your opinion about Mr. Tuvok.

Doctor: Ah! You need a Doctor to pull that bug out of his butt?

Janeway: Well, if you’re not too… Uh, no, no, his seven year mating cycle is almost here and we need your help. Frankly we’re fearing for our lives!

Tuvok: You should! My wife calls me the Energizer Bunny!

Chakotay: (even more fearful than before) Dammit doctor, what do you suggest!?

Doctor: Um, restraints?

Tuvok: Nope.

Doctor: drugs?

Tuvok: uhhh uhhh.

Kim: A relly good issue of Playboy?

Tuvok: Shut up Harry!

Doctor: Well, I see only one alternative then.

Tuvok: And what would that be?

Doctor: (singing) You’re not going to like it!

Tuvok: Doctor, I am a vulcan. I can niether like or dislike your suggestion. Now, what is it?

Doctor: (clears his throat) Castration.

(There is a long silence on the bridge)

Kim: What does that mean?

Janeway: I’ll explain later Harry. Tuvok? Are you OK?

Tuvok: (A tear rolls down his face) If… it will protect the crew… I will (his voice cracks) make the sacrifice.

Doctor: Excellent! I’ll see you at 1500 hours!

Kes: (jumping) Wow! I’ve never casterated anyone before. Well, not on purpose anyway!

(Neelix looks at Kes suspiciously)


(Sickbay 1459 hours: Kes and Janeway are handing the Doctor a considerable of money)

Kes: Okay, $100 bucks says he’ll show.

Janeway: Tuvok isn’t crazy! $100 bucks says he won’t.

(Tuvok enters the room)

Janeway: Dammit!

Doctor: Ah! right on time. Are you ready Mr Tuvok?

(Tuvok nodds)

Doctor: Are you sure? You look as pale as a ghost.

Tuvok: (hoarsly) P… prr… pro… pro… ceed.

Kes: Doctor, can we try out the new photn scalple? (She activates it and blows a hole in the wall) Oops! I had it up a little too high.

Doctor: No, that is the correct setting. (he approches Tuvok with the hypospray)

Tuvok: Wait just a [BEEP][BEEP] minute! That crazy [BEEP] isn’t coming near my [BEEP] with that [BEEP]ing thing!

Kes: Do you kiss you’re mother with that mouth?

Janeway: Commander! You are not acting logically!

Tuvok: [BEEP] logic. I’m outta here! (He knocks down Kes and runs down the corridor)

Janeway: Janeway to security chief!

Tuvok: (over intercom) Yes captian?

Janeway: Bastard! He’s always one step ahead!


(The Breifing Room: Everybody is there, minus Tuvok and the Doctor)

Torres: We’ve searched the entire ship and there is no sign of Tuvok.

Paris: We wouldn’t have to search the ship if SOMEONE hadn’t taken apart the sensor array to see how it worked! (looks at Kim who is looking at the floor)

Chakotay: Well we have to find his before he… (swallows hard) does something to one of us.

Janeway: Don’t worry, we will. And soon!

Torres: How much time do we have?

Kim: According to my calculations, one hour.


(Ships corridor, 59 minutes later: Chakotay is walking to a turbolift)

Chakotay: (Singing) I feel like chicken tonight, like chicken tonight! (A sudden noise is heard, Chakotay whirls around, but sees nothing. He contiues singing with a shakey voice) Have you had a break today? (Another sound, he whirls around again and catches a fleeting glimpse of a shadow. He begins to sing again, terror is heard in his voice) Meow, meow, meow, meow. Meow, Meow, Meow… (the lift doors open and he hurridly jumps inside) Whew. Bridge. (the doors slowly close, then a hand quickly trusts it’s way in and forces the doors open. TUVOK!)

Tuvok: (Breathing hard) Hello… Commander.

Chakotay: (Backing up to the far side of the lift) Uhhh, hi uh hi!

Tuvok: Computer! Stop turbolift!

Chakotay: (Shaking in his boots) Tuvok why did… What are you looking at? Tuvok! This isn’t funny! (Tuvok slowly steps forward) Tuvok! NO!


(Bridge: Ops)

Kim: Captian, I swear I hear someone screaming in the turbolift!

Janeway: Now Harry, what have I told you about fibbing?


(The turbolift)

Chakotay: (Bug eyed) Tuvok! Stop right there! That’s an order mister! (Tuvok continues to advance. Chakotay pulls out his phaser) I Mean it! Stop! (Tuvok has his mind on one thing and one thing only. He doesn’t listen.)


(The Bridge again: Kim has his ear to the lift doors)

Kim: I’m not fibbing captian! I think Commander Chakotay is screaming in the turbolift!

Paris: Harry, now why would Chakotay be screaming in the turbolift, huh?

(They all laugh, then realize why)


Janeway: Harry! Get those doors open!

Harry: Yes sir, uh ma’am, uh captian!


(The Turbolift)

Chakotay: (Sweating, trembling terrified) Tuvok! I don’t want to kill you, But I will to stay straght! (Tuvok gets closer) Noooooooooooo!

Tuvok: (Struggling) Kill… Me… P… lease!

Chakotay: (Hysterically) Oh, as long as it’s alright with you. (He Fires)


(the bridge)

(Lift doors open and Tuvok falls out. Janeway sticks her head in the lift and sees Chakotay trembling in the corner)

Janeway: Oh God! We’re too late!

Torres: No captian! I don’t think that he… got anywhere.

Janeway: In most cases I’ve seen like this, there is very little left of the victim after the attacker is done!

Kim: I don’t understand! Why was Tuvok so wierd today?

Janeway: Shut up Harry! (She checks Tuvoks pulse) He’s not dead! Take him to sickbay!


(Sickbay: Tuvok is still out)

Doctor: It was actually quiet fourtunate Commander Chakotay stunned Mr Tuvok. Now he will remain unconscience throughout the rest of his (clears throat) horny mode.

Janeway: That’s a relief. How’s Chakotay?

Doctor: I finally got him to say somthing other than, “There’s no place like home.”, so he should be fine in a day or two, as will Mr Tuvok.

Janeway: Thank you Doctor. (She claps twice and the Doctor vanaishes)


(The Bridge: Every one is there, except Chakotay and Tuvok, and the Doctor)

Kim: Are we there yet?

Janeway: No, dear.

Kim: I gotta pee.

Janeway: Well you should have thought of that before we…

(The Lift doors open and Chakotay steps out)

Chakotay: (Looking at everyone in annoyance) WHAT!?

(The lift doors open again, out comes Tuvok)

Tuvok: Ah Commander, I was hoping to speak with you.

Chakotay: (Worried) You were?

Tuvok: I wanted to apologize for trying to, “jump your bones.” I was not Myself.

Chakotay: Apology accepted mr. Tuvok.

Tuvok: Thank you sir. (He slaps the Commanders butt) See you in 7 years.

(Tuvok returns to his station, Chakotay cautiously returns to his)

Janeway: Isn’t that cute? Tuvok made a little joke.

Chakotay: Yeah (a nervous laugh) a joke. (A bead of sweat rolls down his face)


(exterior, space: The USS Voyager {which for some really stupid reason was traveling at impulse power throughout the entire episode} lifts it’s engines and goes to warp.)

Kim’s Voice: (Echoing in space) Are we there yet? …there yet? …there yet?


Stay tuned to the next exciting episode of Star Trek: Voyager when Kes cuts the cake and Neelix cuts the cheese, all whille a strange alien being forces the crew to watch “Spock’s Brain” over and over again.