DAVE’S COMPARATIVE COMMANDER ANALYSIS
By David Nurenberg, SKIOLD@AOL.COM
Have you read my Star Trek Superiority Series yet?
Read, laugh, and distribute like CRAZY – just please make sure I get the credit, I work hard on these! : )
4/95
No matter what Star Trek subs and message boards you peruse, we inevitably come upon the question of WHO’S THE BEST CAPTAIN? We here at the Skiold Foundation for Comparative Commander Analysis feel it neccesary to compare each leader in both subjective and objective contexts – namely, how would each face a situation that another triumphed over? Thus, we present four separate questions and incidents, with responses from our four captains, PLUS, at no extra charge, feedback from various other commanders we’ve had a chance to meet:
________________________________________________________ QUESTION #1: Your first officer of 20 years and trusted friend seemingly dies to save your vessel. You later discover that he is, in fact, alive, and being regenerated on a distant planet in a forbidden zone. Going afte r him will wind up costing you your rank, your vessel, and possibly a family member as well. What do you do?
CAPTAIN KIRK
“I’d go after Spock, no question – who else in Starfleet is willing to put up with me? My ever-loyal bridge crew would be more than willing to help me steal my old ship and sabotage any pursuers, and we’d somehow manage to outwit any opposition we’d encounter, from a single Klingon ship right on up to…hell, right on up to the planet exploding! If Starfleet gets angry, I’d just find a way to save the universe again, and they’d be so grateful they’d pardon me.”
CAPTAIN PICARD
“I’d try all the normal, diplomatic channels, of course. If that failed, I’d send Worf and Data in a shuttlecraft to effect a rescue, while I monitored from the safety of the ENTERPRISE. If worst came to worst, Number One is replaceable – Commander Shelby’s much better looking than Will, any day.”
COMMANDER SISKO
“I’d sympathize with Major Kira’s plight, and do all I could trough the proper diplomatic channels. Failing in that, what more can I do except radio in to Bajor for a replacement? I’m used to women being whisked out of my life, you know, and no way am I going to let Jake-O get killed just to save some Bajoran fanatic who was living on borrowed time anyway.”
CAPTAIN JANEWAY
“The same as Captain Kirk, but I’d take my full crew, dammit! They knew the risks when they signed aboard!”
CAPTAIN KURN
“If my first officer died with honor, like a true Klingon, than snatching him from the grave would deface him as a warrior. If he died a coward, then he is not worth retrieving, Fek’Lar eat his bones!”
COMMANDER TOMALAK
“I would be very suspicious of the news of my first officer’s revival. This sounds distinctly like a Federation trick to lure my ship across the neutral zone.”
GUL DUKAT
“I would not take my vessel into any zone that Central Command has deemed forbidden – to do so would be treason against the state. If my first officer has somehow gotten himself into one of these `forbidden zone,’ I question his motives and loyalty. If he ever showed his face again, I would contact the Obsidian Order immediately.”
THE GRAND NAGUS:
“A planet that resurrects you? What a find! I’d make such a profit, it’d be unbelievable! Hell, my whole family could get blown apart if it meant latinum!”
LOCUTUS, OF BORG:
“One life is irrelevant. If he has left the collective, he will merely be re-assimilated when we inevitably conquer that sector.”
HAN SOLO
“Hey, Chewie’s my friend and all, but you said the FALCON would be destroyed? Then he’s one toasted Wookie – sorry, pal.”
Q
“What a ridiculous question. If he died I’d simply bring him back to life and transport him home, simple as that.”
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QUESTION #2: While disguised on a surveillance mission of a primitive culture, your advanced, alien nature is exposed, and the inhabitants start worshipping you as a god. Their entire societal development threatens to take a backward turn, plunging them into the dark ages. To prove them wrong you must be willing to be shot with an arrow to show you can die. What do you do?
CAPTAIN KIRK
“Get shot? Are you out of your mind? If the damage has already been done, take advantage of it, man! Let me tell you, I’d ask for LOTS of virgin sacrifices, if you know what I mean, heh heh. If Starfleet found out, I’d have Spock muddle their computers or something, or else I’d just save the universe again so they’d forgive me.”
CAPTAIN PICARD
“I’d sit down and explain to them in every possible manner that I am not what they think I am. If Eventually, though, I would trust in Beverly to get that damn arrow out of my chest – assuming Will wasn’t available as a better target.”
COMMANDER SISKO
“I’d try every possible diplomatic alternative. The prime directive, however, has loopholes for the welfare of Starfleet personnel – no damn way am I taking an arrow. There’s no time like the present to welcome that primitive culture into the 24th century.”
CAPTAIN JANEWAY
“Oh, that would be terrible, terrible…we’d have violated the prime directive, and it wouldn’t even be in search of coffee…I suppose I’d take it, then, and hope that snippy holographic doctor can sew me up again.”
CAPTAIN KURN
“Bah! Arrows are not a threat. A true Klingon does not fear pain nor death, and no honor would be gained in conquering such primitives. They can think whatever they want of me, I would leave to EARN my glory elsewhere ”
COMMANDER TOMALAK
“We’d round up all of those who saw us, interrogate them for just how much they knew, and then bring them back as slaves to Romulus. We can’t take any chances that a Federation expedition would arrive and learn any of our carefully guarded secrets through them.”
GUL DUKAT
“What do you mean accidentally? Cardassians do not make mistakes. If anything even close to such an error occurred, we would simply wipe out the population and strip mine their planet. We wouldn’t go through the effort of building an ore-processing station above it, though….it didn’t turn out too well the last time.”
THE GRAND NAGUS:
“What, get shot, and give up a whole race of worshippers? Free labor! Profit for all, but mainly for me! Hahahaha!”
LOCUTUS, OF BORG
“Religion and worship are irrelevant. Resistance, through their arrows, would be futile. We would assimilate them all.”
HAN SOLO
“An arrow? Are you joking? Who cares what a buncha spear wielding furballs think – Chewie and I’d blast outta there like nobody’s business!”
Q
What’s wrong with them worshipping me as a god?
__________________________________________
QUESTION#3: An expedition into an unknown region of space accidentally yields a hostile, advanced, unrelenting alien empire who will wipe out your entire society if you don’t collapse the wormhole that leads there. This, of course, will also deprive you of the scientific wonders that lay beyond, not to mention your job. What do you do?
CAPTAIN KIRK
“Disguise myself as one of them, sneak aboard their ship, bed the most highly placed female in their military, and, if all else failed, threaten them with a bluff so ridiculous that they can’t believe it’s a bluff, causing them to back off and leave us alone. For example, there’s this element called Corbomite that we carry on our ships…”
CAPTAIN PICARD
“There must be some diplomatic way of settling this. Failing that, collapse the wormhole.”
COMMANDER SISKO:
“There must be some diplomatic way of settling this. Failing that, collapse the wormhole.”
CAPTAIN JANEWAY
“Sometimes you just have to punch your way through – I’d take my ship right into the heart of their space and blow their command center to smithereens. Unless they brewed some really great coffee, in which case we’d tale some of that, first.”
CAPTAIN KURN
“Collapse the wormhole? And deny ourselves years of glorious battle? You must be insane!”
COMMANDER TOMALAK
“We would not collapse so strategic a find – let them attack, they’ll not find Romulus wanting.”
GUL DUKAT
“Allow an outsider to threaten Cardassian interests? You make me laugh. Moreso, you make me suspicious. How could you even suggest such a thing could occur? It could not, you know. Are you harboring any other such notions?”
THE GRAND NAGUS
“What’s the big deal? Bribe the hell out of them – there’s no disagreement in existence that a little latinum won’t smooth over. What do they want? Starships? Girls? Weapons? Those cool little communicators with sound boards that actually WORK?”
LOCUTUS, OF BORG
“Their resistance would be futile. They would be assimilated. You ALL will become one with the Borg.”
HAN SOLO
“Start wars? Collapse wormholes? Let me tell you, buddy, the second I saw even one warship bearing down on me I’d hyper out of there so fast they’d be choking on my engine exhaust….huh? What do you mean, Chewie, the hyperdrive’s not working again?!?”
Q
Yawn. I’d blink and wipe out their entire race. It worked for Kevin Uxbridge, right?
____________________________________________________
QUESTION#4 While pursing a group of criminals, your ship is accidentally tossed thousands of light years away, into an uncharted part of the galaxy. With no clear way home, how do you prevent mutiny and despair?
CAPTAIN KIRK
“A whole new quadrant of babes to woo? Hmmm….tempting as that may be, I’d have Spock and Scotty figure out some way to get us home, and maybe even save the universe a few times in the process.”
CAPTAIN PICARD
“I’d get that brat Wesely to call up his friend, the Travelers, to get us home.”
COMMANDER SISKO:
“I’d look for a wormhole. Hey, if it worked once…”
CAPTAIN JANEWAY:
“I’d make a highly successful science fiction show about my adventures that would launch an entire TV network.”
COMMANDER KURN:
“New worlds to conquer for the empire? New challenges, and opportunities for glory undreampt of! I would kill any man that revolted.”
COMMANDER TOMALAK:
“Impossible. There exists no way to cover such a distance in so little time. More Federation lies, designed to break down my resolve! You shall never best us! Glory to the Praetor!”
GUL DUKAT
“You even suggest that a Cardassian would become lost? Your loyalty IS in question, then! Do you know your pledge to the state? Recite it! Right now! Expect a visit from the Obsidian Order VERY soon, my friend.”
THE GRAND NAGUS:
“A whole quadrant that doesn’t know our tricks? Trillions of new suckers to bilk for everything they have? Ha! Why would I ever want to leave?
LOCUTUS, OF BORG:
“Location is irrelevant. We would carry on our directive to assimilate all life. You WILL become one with the Borg.”
HAN SOLO
“Chewie? Is that hyperdrive working yet?”
Q
Big deal. I’d snap my fingers and send myself back home.
_______________________________________________
Thus concludes this edition of Dave’s Comparative Commander Analysis. We part with a final word from Han Solo:
“Chewie…c’mon…I didn’t MEAN I would leave you on that planet! Fix the hyperdrive! Please! That Borg ship is getting closer!”
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THE END
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