One of the most consistent things about me, is my inconsistency. I can pretty much guarantee people that I will not react the way that they expect me to react to whatever situation is in front of me. There are some things you just think you can rely on as to how people will react. Not me. 

This is especially true of any situation or any conversation or any joke that is related to sex, relationships, couples or interaction between people in general. I just don’t have the same experiences in life that your other friends might. It’s something that my close friends have gotten used to but it often takes newcomers by surprise. 

The funny thing is it also takes me by surprise because I start to get into believing that there is a consistency to my actions or some pattern that I can expect to follow, and the very next day I’m reacting in a completely unexpected way. 

Can we call something that is always acting in an unexpected way a pattern in itself. I can expect myself to act in an unexpected way but is that not then unexpected way. 

A good example of this, is this blog post itself. I had an ID in mind and I typed in the subject but as I started typing the words or in my case talking the words into Google’s voice keyboard, I found that I no longer had much of an interest in that topic. Sometimes I want to share my personal truths but then as soon as I start I either change my mind because I feel it’s not going to be as interesting as I thought it was as soon as I started. I predict the failure. 

Other times I have different reasons for not continuing. Occasionally it’s a drug-related phase out where I don’t even remember what I was going to type. That’s almost always included in there somewhere if I’m blogging while I’m high. 

Other times I changed my mind because I learned through what I’m saying more about what I was thinking. It’s an odd concept too explain to others who don’t work this way but I don’t actually hear what I’m saying until I say it out loud. I don’t pre-think things which is why blogging with my voice or even in text it’s therapeutic. Saying things out loud gives you a different perspective than just laying in bed staring at the ceiling and thinking. The problem is if by self-esteem is particularly low in the moment, the things that I say will come out more negative. Filled with a lack of confidence and often a guilt. 

I meant one of my blah faces currently they come from time to time and last 1 to 3 days where I just don’t really feel like doing anything. There are things that should be done and some things that must be done but that doesn’t matter. I’m blah this week. Even blogging is especially unsatisfying during this phase.

I think of ideas or the ending to sentences but by the time I’m typing them I no longer have confidence so I either end abruptly, change the subject, or stop blogging mid sentence. 

This is a good example of that.