The Quiz Show

by Jeff Goebel
Released to the public domain.

(The stage is black. Over the loudspeaker a high energy announcer blurts out the following introduction)

Announcer: Good afternoon, and welcome to the quiz show that dares to ask the question; When did the gray nuns reach Red River? That’s right, it’s the most useless knowledge program ever witnessed, but you love it. Welcome to: REACH UP TO THE BOTTOM! (Theme music, canned applause. The lights rise and we see two panels of three students each) And now, here is your host; Bud Melnick. (More canned applause. Bud enters and stands behind the M.C. stand)

Bud: Thank you Charlie Booter. Let’s meet the students first from St. Andrew’s Lock School in Manitoba. Sue, Rick and Robert. (Canned applause) And,all the way from Vernon District High School in British Columbia, please welcome May, Hugh, and Larry Mathers as, THE BEAVER. (Canned laughter) Just kidding Larry. Well, that’s our panel. They know all the rules, so let’s begin. Here is question one… Oh, by the way, the answer to the question at the opening of the show was 1844. Anyway, on with the game. For twenty points; How far is Cape Breton Island from the coast line. (Pause) Anyone? (Pause) No? (Pause) Okay, The answer is “one mile.” Bad luck there, no points for either team, but have no fear, on to question two for 50 points; Name the date of “INDIAN TREATY#1”. (Pause) Sorry, times up on that one. The answer is 1871. For an 50 extra bonus points can anyone tell me the two Indian tribes involved in the treaty? (Pause) Oh well, they were of course the Chipewas and the Swampy Crees. On to question three then. Name the river that is famous as the scene of buffalo hunts. (Pause) Apparently not that famous. No guesses? Nobody willing to chance it? It’s worth 150 points. Fine. The correct answer is the Pembina River. Question Four; What is the nearest U.S. border town to Winnipeg? (Pause) Those buzzers are working aren’t they? (Rob buzzes) AHHH!!! From St. Andrew’s Lock School, Robert Valdol?

Robert: Umm. I don’t know the answer. I was just testing my buzzer out… to see if it works.

Bud: Why bother? Anyway question 5…

Mary: Wait! You didn’t give the answer to question four!

Bud: Oh. Pembina. Anyway… Question five is-

Rick: (BUZZZ!)

Bud: Yes Rick?

Rick: I don’t think that is fair! You gave us two questions about Pembina!

Bud: Well tough! It certainly is fair. I can give you question on anything I want. Now shut up and sit down! Question five: Who first introduced writing to the Indians. (Mary Buzzes) From Vernon, Mary Roseford?

Mary: The white men?

Bud: Could you be a little more specific?

Mary: Well I don’t now which white man if that’s what you mean.

Bud: Sorry Mary, that’s not quite enough. We need a name. A two year old could guess it was a white man. Anyone else have a name? St. Andrews’ Lock? No? I didn’t think so. It was James Evens. Here is question six: What area does Manitoba cover? And the answer is 246,512 square miles.

Rick: HEY!!! You didn’t even give us a chance!?!?

Bud: So??? The answer to question seven is Kilidonan. That is where the first Presbyterian Church was built. Question eight is-

Producer: (Enters) Bud. What in God’s name are you doing? You’re giving out the answers. Bud, now you know that’s not the way to play. Come on Bud.

Bud: Face it Bill; these kids are losers. They are STUPID Bill. They don’t know anything! How did they get on the show?

Producer: Well, maybe the questions are too hard.

Bud: WHAT!?!? These questions? They are EASY BILL. Look, what percentage of the world does Canada take up? My grandson knows that! These kids are too DENSE!

Producer: Just the same, these kids deserve a chance. They didn’t came all the way from B.C. for nothing. Here, use these questions, Bud. Try to be nice. (He hands Bud new questions)

Bud: Okay Bill. I’m sorry I got so worked up. I’ll do my best. These questions better be simple though, because if I have to go into a tie breaker, I could be with these do-do’s all month.

Producer: Don’t worry about it Bud.

Bud: (Returns to camera) Question eight: Name the Eskimo footwear. (Mary Buzzes) From Vernon, Mary Roseford?

Mary: Moccasins?

Bud: (Enraged, Bud runs over to Mary and starts strangling her violently) MUCK LUCS YOU IDIOT!!!!!

(Blackout)

Announcer: That’s all the time we have for today’s episode. See you again tomorrow …maybe. By the way, the world are percentage Canada occupies is obviously 7.18%.

(BLACKOUT)