It’s a new day in my life after having quit the nasty drug Crystal Meth again. The last binge of Tina was a drastic one, lasting almost one full week, high every day. It was time. I find a very small amount of pride in myself for recognizing it and quitting before it was too late. Of course, this is easy to say on day 2. I have not fully seen what it’ll be like to stay without it.
It was my intention to quit Wednesday, then Thursday, then Friday and then Saturday but I managed to see just a little tiny bit and find a way to make it last. Now that it is all gone, I’m not so sure I can call it quitting. It’s more like I just ran out and I’m not going to buy again. We’ll see.
Yesterday I slept almost the entire day. Today, it appears much of it wil happen in bed again. I woke up a few times overnight, and made the walk down the hall to pee and back. I made sure not to see a clock so I would fall back asleep with no preconceived notion of how much time was left in the evening. When I woke up again at 7am, it was light enough to call it the official wake time. My throat was ore and scratchy. Since this is a new symptom I wasn’t sure if it was drug related, or caused by the overheating of chocolate covered cherries. A treat I afforded myself when buying my weekly Hershey’s Kiss rations. They were on sale. I ate quite a lot yesterday.
Of course, the house has almost no food in it at all. The fridge is as bare as mother Hubbard’s. I have not bought anything in a week except milk, water and chocolate. I had intentions, but my brain seemed tio request a break after each outdoor denture, no matter how small… So one thing a day was the norm. One meal, or one stop. Then home again to whimper and rest.
I’m now even farther behind on work, have upset friends, and am starving. It’s not a happy Monday, although I was hoping it would be after the Saturday and Sunday of sadness and shame.
My head keeps wanting to think; “Oh it’s not that bad”, and “you’ve been in worse slumps”. I’m not sure. I’m also not sure I’ve over the worst of it.
My body is having problems finding a template to stay at. I’m either cold or warm. I’m still mentally a bit distracted, and focusing on work wil be difficult, if possible. I have been up twice and sat at the office desk to start, but after reading Facebook and looking at what I have to do, I wander back into bed for an extra hour of rest.
It’s now 11:20am and I start to think about shopping for food… But I’ll probably just how buy a hamburger and come home again. Shopping for food can wait an extra day.
I recap all the things I did while high this past week… This past month, All the money I spent. I’ll worry about guilt another time. Even on drugs, I try not to regret the decisions I’ve made. It’s a pointless strategy to worry about things you did in the past.
Move forward. It’s Monday. Happy new week.
The one notable thing that did not happen through all of this experimentation… I did not get laid. I did not get kissed. I did not get hugged. I did not find a woman to share my life, or even my high with. On that front, this drug phase was a failure, but I suppose I knew it would be. Even high, or my newly coined “super high” doesn’t really change my fears enough to make those moves. I pretend to believe it will, and use that to justify it all – and I did come close with ecstasy recently by finding two new hug friends… But nothing lasting. Nothing life changing.
… Except to learn how nice it was and how much I’d like a girl beside me more often.
I try to be optimistic. I try to remember I do learn and move forward from these experiences. I might in fact, be a happier me next week after all this passes… If all this passes. It may well inspire me to try new directions. Try, fail, try something new.
I can’t yet predict, as I can’t yet get out of bed. I live the new bedroom keyboard I bought to make typing these essays easier. If I hired a Butler I might never get out of bed.
My stomach grumbles to remind me I wil get out of bed, and soon. In the past week I’ve eaten far less than a full meal a day and lost enough weight to buy a new pair of jeans one size smaller. I wonder if I should, or whether I’ll just bloat back up and pig out at the all you can eat buffets over the next few days. I know people use meth to lose weight, but they stay on it longer than one week, or one month I suspect.
Bleh.
Mind has stopped here. Nothing more to say.
Edit. 2:30pm. I wake up hot and sweaty again. I think I’m sick. Real cold sick. Stuffy runny nose, cold and hot.
