Today was a confusing day.  It’s Thursday,  and it was to be my first day without Tina.  It was,  until it wasn’t.

Crystal Meth is one of the drugs most people consider “one of the bad ones”  The drugs even drug users tell you to say away from.  Meth and Heroin.  Until age 52, I had successfully stayed away.  They were the lines I did not cross.  The drugs even your drug tolerant friends might be mad to learn you’re using.

In my life of study,  I just needed to know. I’d had success trying various other “over the line”  drugs like crack,  and been able to walk away just fine. I wanted to try meth.

I had seen all the information., which is mostly deadly scary propaganda,  which is what drug users have been saying about media warnings since Reefer Madness and the Drug War tried to terrify us that weed was a dangerous killer an people on acid jump out of Windows.

As I discovered each drug in my journey,  you start to assume the scary Shit you see isn’t real.  I always assumed Crystal meth was real.  It was an addictive drugs that people craved to stay on…  And then in weeks or months,  they’re living under a bridge with no teeth,  a think aged face and scars from scratching.

It was admittedly a stupid thing to try…  But I had also seen the side of many people who call her Tina,  and Blowing Clouds is a term they use fondly.  In fact,  if you go looking on social media like Whisper Chat and Tumblr,  the world is filled with some happy users.  People with stories other than the horrid.

Nobody I saw had a damaged face.  Indeed,  some of the posting women were kind of hot,  and stoned girls turn me on.

However,  after a few months of once a month,  just like the propaganda predicted,., I was increasing the urge until these past two weeks it was obvious I liked the Meth version of Jeff a little too much.

In many ways,  my brain still considers me a failure at life.  The meth gave me a little more confidence,  and a little more energy and quite down that part of my brain that argues decisions down like a skilled position always knowing just the right thought to throw into attention to get me to say No,  and not try things.

On drugs,  I say yes more…  Or at least think about it in a happy positive way. Ut’s a rewire of my emotions that make things seem alright,  and if I get the dosage just right,  I can work a productive day without the normal hassles of an Add brain getting in the way.

It’s not a cure however,  and yesterday I decided to quit,  again,  for the last time.  I had confidence as I forced myself to sleep around 2am

I woke up at 8am when my “take you pill”  warning went off.  I felt horrible. I’d been up for qa while previously and have not really rested.   The Internet tells me I may feel nausea,  which I have previous times I’d quit..  Often during my otherwise happy and drug free Saturday adventures.

I’d attempted to explain them off on several Saturdays in a row with silly excuses to my friend,  but I’m sure she’s smart enough to figure it out.  Maybe. People on drugs always think everyone knows they’re acting odd.

On meth,  I don’t think I act odd.  In fact,  for the most part –  there is no high or no buzz for me.  I just wake up like it’s a sunny day and function. More normally than I do on a regular day.

That’s kind of the problem.  When I stoop,  I can expect 3 days or more of extra tired,  don’t want to do anything grogginess,  thrown in with maybe a bit of sick.

I can handle that I tell myself…  But the unconscious mind of a drug craving is a special trick of the brain. Almost with an intelligence of it’s own,  it keeps at least part of my brain thinking about how I can get more,  or when I can get more.  It’s an impossible to explain feeling.  Your body just knows it’s lacking something good that was there yesterday.

It’s distracting.

Where did I go wrong?  The bong.  It had some gunk left in it.  I went to get a pizza and it was in the car.

Then I was blowing clouds. I’m not sure how it happened.  It wasn’t even open for am mental debate.  I just got in the car,  and it happened.

My body thanked me,  in it’s own way but my brain was crying Noooooooooo…. I didn’t even make it a day.

To be sure,  I smoked it as much as I could.  I don’t think there is more.  So instead of Wednesday being my quit day,  it looks like Thursday is another late night,  and Friday is my quit day…  Which may or may not work,  because I have to be sober and attentive Friday. I have things to do, people to see.

I’m pissed at myself but understand.  It’s hard to stop a drug you like,  but it’s Darn near impossible to quit it when there is still some left. It’s why addicts often hide little secret stashes of their stuff all over the house,  knowing one day somebody will make them quit before they’re ready.

I am ready.  As much as I like it,  I understand more than any other drug,  it is effecting my work and my social life.  I have become OK with cancelling plans and staying home awake all night

I doubt I’ll confess this to my close circle,  unless they see this secret blog I’ve shared with a few I knew would understand.

I hoped will understand.  Like I said,  Meth is one of the ones even daily pot smokers or other druggies are scared of,  and being stupid enough to try,  buy and get hooked is not a good trait.  It can scare friends.

It might take me a while for my brain to slow down to normal speed again,  feel worse about what I’ve done and move on.

Or –  get high again tomorrow. I have not had a sober weekend in a long time,  and although the meth is gone from my home now (for real this time)  I do have some Mdma and weed left.

I can’t predict the time ahead anymore. I’ll need to be distracted to stay away.

I’ll watch TV or some movies.  I’ll try to sleep although I certainly feel awake again,  so I doubt I’ll be sleeping more tonight.  I’ll regret it more tomorrow when I am supposed to be happy and funny at a wedding reception.

It will be interesting to see how it effects my blogging.  I wrote a lot of this blog since I started doing it.  My writings have been longer,  and faster on it…  Except when due, bed down by some major weed that makes my brain go all over the place, including wild non sequitur shout outs and even descriptions of the inner working of my brain live.

I know those blogs were hard to read.  Without weed,  I am focused and write on a single topic without forgetting or stopping or talking to the two sides of my brain as if they were different characters.

You can see the difference I’m sure.  That is the problem.  The last and worst drug I tried..  Is the one that works.

And now I’ve quit it.

Who’s the crazy one?

End of Part 1. 6pm Thursday.