Wisdom:

WEIRD INSTANT MESSAGE EXCHANGES

If you live in North America, and spend any time chatting with strangers or reading email, you've probably learned to stay away from Nigerians.  It's sad, because there may be normal nice people from Nigeria, but not most.  It seems they take classes and read books on how to meet North Americans and scam them.

I tried to stop several times.  I was abusive, insulting and sarcastic, but Nigerians don't give up easy. Some will chat with you for weeks and months if it looks like you may give them money.  This was an especially odd exchange.

I personally like to have fun when they chat me.  Here is a transcript of today's exchange.  The name  luvly has been changed to protect the assumed innocent.

TOTALLY AT RANDOM CHAT.  I have never chatted with this person before.
BE MY SOULMATE.
Feb 5th, 2006

10:29: luvly_: how are you doing today
10:29: luvly_: <ding>
11:12: Jeff G: hello
11:14: luvly_: i am fine and you

My first clue this isn't a smart person.

11:14: Jeff G: toothache and tired.
11:14: luvly_: really
11:14: Jeff G: But the correct answer is, "Fine, thanks for asking".
11:15: luvly_: I AMN HUNNIE
11:15: luvly_: WHAT ARE NOE DOING FOR YOUR LIVNG
11:16: luvly_: I AM ROSE BY NAME
11:16: luvly_: LIVE IN TEXAS
11:16: Jeff G: I will call you Yelling Rose.
11:16: luvly_: WHY YOU CALLING ME THAT NAME
11:16: Jeff G: Because you type in all upper case letters so it seems like you're yelling at me.
11:18: luvly_: WOW
11:18: luvly_: GTG
11:18: luvly_: CAN I ASK YOU A QESTION
11:19: Jeff G: Always.
11:19: luvly_: <ding>
11:19: luvly_: FINE
11:19: luvly_: ARE YOU MARRIED?
11:19: luvly_: CAN YOU BE MY SOULMATE
11:19: Jeff G: No.
11:19: luvly_: WHY
11:19: luvly_: HUNNIE
11:19: Jeff G: Because of many reasons.
11:19: Jeff G: You are not compatible with me.
11:19: luvly_: DONT YOU WANNA TALK TO ME ANYMORE
11:20: luvly_: WHY
11:20: luvly_: HUNIE
11:20: luvly_: ITS ANYTIHNG WRONG
11:20: luvly_: TELL ME
11:20: Jeff G: You are probably not from Texas. You are a terrible speller. You type in all upper case. You are of a lower class than me, and you ask me to be a soulmate without even knowing my name or anything about me.
11:20: luvly_: I AM YOUR LOVER
11:20: Jeff G: I believe you are either a teenager, crazy, or not even American.
11:21: luvly_: gtg
11:21: luvly_: hunnie
11:21: Jeff G: exactly
11:21: luvly_: you know what
11:21: luvly_: i am rose bt naame
11:21: Jeff G: Enjoy life Rose.
11:21: luvly_: abd i am into fashion designer
11:22: luvly_: dont you want to be my soulmate
11:22: Jeff G: sure.
11:22: Jeff G: I am into fashion designer
11:23: luvly_: are you sure
11:23: luvly_: you are kidding me
11:23: luvly_: i think so
11:23: luvly_: i want a good relatioship that can endded in marriage
11:24: luvly_: i prefer that .hunnie
11:24: luvly_: <ding>
11:24: luvly_: :x=((
11:24: Jeff G: Hello.
11:25: Jeff G: Lets start again.
11:25: Jeff G: Hi Rose.
11:25: luvly_: am fine
11:25: Jeff G: Do you really think you can say Hello to a stranger and then wed him?
11:25: luvly_: and you
11:25: luvly_: not really
11:25: Jeff G: You are a lower class human. I would never be interested in you. You have terrible grammar and are a crazy chater. I'm not even sure you're not a robot or a kid.
11:26: luvly_: but i think i will lok for my soul mate
11:26: Jeff G: You have no Yahoo profile, and your IP address shows you're not in Texas.
11:26: luvly_: what do you mean .hunnie
11:26: Jeff G: And what the hell is hunnie?
11:26: luvly_: what are you talking about
11:27: Jeff G: You are amusing me, and I am wasting your time.
11:27: luvly_: are you trying to be insulthing me
11:27: Jeff G: Who says that? Trying to be insulting me? You sound Nigerian.

Note:  At this point, she has only admitted to being from Texas.  I only make the Nigerian guess because I recognize several key-words from the classes they must take. They all chat similarly.  Things like "am sorry" are common.

11:27: luvly_: you do not wast my time
11:27: Jeff G: I wast your time.
11:27: Jeff G: Someone set us up the bomb.

That one made me laugh.  Somebody from Texas might have got the joke.

11:27: luvly_: you mean that
11:28: Jeff G: I mean nothing.
11:28: Jeff G: I just reply.
11:28: luvly_: so what do you feel about me
11:28: Jeff G: I know nothing of you, except you are Rose by name.
11:28: Jeff G: And I doubt that.
11:28: Jeff G: I don't believe you ae in Texas. Where in Texas?
11:28: luvly_: i am rose by name
11:29: luvly_: i am not kidding me
11:29: Jeff G: Where in Texas?
11:29: luvly_: austin
11:29: Jeff G: Should I just say; Wow, you seem sexy. Lets sexy chat.
11:30: luvly_: why dont you belive am in texas????
11:30: luvly_: ok i understand
11:30: Jeff G: I never met a Texan that didn't speak English before.
11:30: luvly_: thank you
11:30: Jeff G: Is that it? You give up easy.
11:31: luvly_: dont really understand what you saying
11:31: luvly_: i never give up
11:31: luvly_: and am noit giving up on anything
11:31: Jeff G: Shall we start again? I'll be nice.

This technique always works.  Just start over and they'll go back to the script, ignoring everything.

11:31: luvly_: what are you really saying
11:31: luvly_: no probs
11:31: luvly_: so what do you want???
11:31: Jeff G: I am Jeff by name.
11:32: Jeff G: What are you looking for? A nice chat friend? I am in Canada. In the snow.
11:32: luvly_: ohh i see
11:32: luvly_: ok
11:32: luvly_: thats nice,its kool meeting you
11:33: luvly_: so what do you do for a living???
11:33: Jeff G: I chat with strangers and ask them for money. What do you do for a living?
11:33: luvly_: lol
11:33: luvly_: what do you mean by that???
11:33: luvly_: is that a profession???
11:34: luvly_: can i see you on cam???
11:34: Jeff G: I make money from scamming strangers. Its a good living. Soon, I will ask you for money.

Note:  this statement gets almost totally ignored.  I was shocked.

11:34: luvly_: so can i see you on cam????
11:34: Jeff G: http://frogstar.com/webcam/
11:35: luvly_: OPENING THE CAM
11:36: luvly_: SO why are you sounding strange
11:36: luvly_: anything the problem with you???
11:36: Jeff G: It takes a while to warm up to me.
11:36: Jeff G: People chat me all day for very stranger reasons.
11:36: luvly_: why???
11:36: Jeff G: So far, not many have said Hello and asked to be a soulmate in 30 seconds.
11:36: luvly_: i see
11:36: luvly_: tell me more
11:36: Jeff G: Usually people want to know a little more before marriage.
11:36: luvly_: thats not bad
11:37: Jeff G: Very few survive the amount of insults I have thrown your way.
11:37: Jeff G: You are strange too. Maybe we are soulmates.
11:37: luvly_: at least we have get to know each other well before marrige
11:37: luvly_: how do you mean
11:37: luvly_: we just met
11:37: Jeff G: BY the way, you have made me laugh. May I publish this transcript on my web site? People love laughing at funny foreign chatters.
11:38: Jeff G: Sorry... Texas.
11:38: luvly_: and at least we gat to get aqunted wityh each other first
11:38: Jeff G: Who is Rose? Tell me about yourself.  I am 43.

Again... no hint she understood the above comment, but I did ask permission, so publishing should be OK.

11:38: luvly_: 25year of age
11:39: luvly_: are you serious about me
11:39: Jeff G: Ah.
11:39: luvly_: you are just kidding me
11:39: Jeff G: Serious how? I certainly won't be flying to Texas to meet you.
11:39: luvly_: for a while
11:39: luvly_: really
11:39: Jeff G: I'm not sure what you're looking for.
11:40: luvly_: for my soulmate
11:40: luvly_: are you coming to texas
11:40: Jeff G: Are you an Internet whore? Do men really love you in text messages? I don't understand. Isn't a Soulmate supposed to be real?
11:40: luvly_: sure
11:40: Jeff G: How did you even find my name to chat?
11:40: luvly_: yeah
11:40: luvly_: you dont need to be worry ok
11:41: luvly_: huniue
11:41: luvly_: dont you love me
11:41: Jeff G: I don't even know what you look like, but so far, we're far from love.
11:41: Jeff G: Closer to scary.
11:42: luvly_: hunnie
11:42: luvly_: you know what can you give me your e mail address .soi that i will send you my pixs
11:42: Jeff G: I'm hunnie.
11:42: Jeff G: frogstar42@gmail.com
11:43: luvly_: ok
11:43: Jeff G: How warm is Texas today?
11:43: luvly_: cool
11:43: luvly_: here

A test.  If I cared, I could have looked closer and asked more questions, but I was already certain she wasn't in Texas anyway.

11:44: Jeff G: So... to recap. You are looking for a soulmate in random chats with strangers. I am 43, and that is ok with you if I like. I can come to Texas and then what?
11:44: luvly_: my own yahoo id is .luvly_@yahoo.com
11:44: luvly_: so you can mail me now ok
11:45: luvly_: bye for noe
11:45: Jeff G: ok bye I guess.
11:45: Jeff G: Not sure why you're leaving.
11:45: luvly_: hear from you soonest
11:45: luvly_: ok
11:45: Jeff G: So... to recap. You are looking for a soulmate in random chats with strangers. I am 43, and that is ok with you if I like. I can come to Texas and then what?

I really wanted that answer.  What did she want?  What is a soul mate?  She NEVER answered.

11:46: luvly_: i will be epecting your mail soonest
11:46: Jeff G: why?
11:47: luvly_: dont you mail me
11:47: luvly_: bye
11:49: Jeff G: Still there? I didn't get a pic.

No reply.  I thought it was over.  I never got a pic.  Never saw if she was a Texas Babe or an African Babe.

Hours later:

17:16: luvly_: <ding>
17:16: Jeff G: hello crazy gal from Texas!
17:16: luvly_: am cool
17:17: Jeff G: That's a good T Shirt slogan.
17:17: Jeff G: AM COOL
17:17: luvly_: ok
17:18: luvly_: love are udere
17:18: Jeff G: huh?
17:19: luvly_: am cool
17:20: Jeff G: I never saw any email from you.
17:21: luvly_: ok
17:21: luvly_: am sorry
17:24: luvly_: <ding>
17:25: Jeff G: ding?
17:25: luvly_: ok
17:25: luvly_: wer are u now
17:25: Jeff G: At work.
17:25: luvly_: ok love
17:28: luvly_: love are u coming back
17:29: Jeff G: To Texas?
17:30: Jeff G: Do you want me to come to Texas?
17:31: luvly_: yes
17:31: Jeff G: And then what?

17:32: luvly_: but am in nigeria now love
17:32: Jeff G: aha! That explains everything.
17:32: Jeff G: I guessed it right away.
17:32: Jeff G: Wild! I am so happy.
17:33: Jeff G: Whoo Whoo... I am not crazy. You're a trained Nigerian email scammer. It all makes sense now.

It went on for another hour.  She never acknowledged my questions about what we'd do if we met, what she wanted (other than a soul mate) and why she was a Texan in Nigeria.  She just kept calling me hunnie and going round in circles.  I decided not to include it all here. 

Part 3.

18:02: Jeff G: I wish I understood. Are you looking for sex, or a husband, or money?
18:03: luvly_: i am looking for my soulmate
18:03: luvly_: myt hunbadn
18:03: luvly_: d
18:03: Jeff G: ok.
18:04: luvly_: thatan care for my life
18:04: Jeff G: And it's ok if I love you, but know you lie, and are pretty dumb?
18:04: luvly_: hunnie
18:05: luvly_: do you think i am lieing for you
18:05: Jeff G: Not always.
18:06: luvly_: ok
18:06: luvly_: whar do you want from me now
18:06: luvly_: do you want me to come over there and see you in person
18:06: luvly_: do you likethat
18:07: luvly_: :x
18:07: Jeff G: I am shocked you chat with me for so long. You have been insulted, mocked, caught telling lies, and are from Nigerea... and yet you keep trying. I wish I knew what you need? Am I to visit Texas and date you, or pay you. What is the plan? How can I make you happy?
18:07: Jeff G: You'd come here? To Canada?
18:08: luvly_: teah
18:08: luvly_: hunnie
18:08: luvly_: only if you want me to come
18:09: luvly_: cos i will like to see you in person
18:09: Jeff G: I think I have enough content for my web page now. You never answer questions, so I am growing tired of this amusement. You are obviously a Nigerian chat scammer and I can't wait till you start asking for money. I know I'm close, but I am growing bored with the chore of getting it out of you.
18:10: Jeff G: I never got your picture.
18:10: luvly_: hunie
18:10: luvly_: do you calling me a scammer
18:11: Jeff G: I have called you many things. English is obviously not your native language. You lied to me already once, and you use many Nigerian phrases.
18:11: luvly_: i am born again chritsian
18:11: luvly_: i dont use to do that
18:11: Jeff G: oh god. That ends it. I am muslim. 

     (I am not, but respect all religions)

18:11: luvly_: plz dont call me a scammer
18:11: luvly_: for god sake
18:11: Jeff G: ok. I call you crazy instead. Not as bad.
18:11: Jeff G: I am guessing you've never been to Texas.
18:11: Jeff G: Or the USA.
18:12: luvly_: oikbyehunnieyou dont want to trust me then bye
18:13: Jeff G: bye. http://frogstar.com/weird/soulmate.asp

End... maybe.  Probably not.  I'd bet money she chats me again.

18:15: luvly_: bye
18:15: luvly_: fuck you

NEXT DAY

 09:04: luvly: <ding>
 09:04: Jeff G: hey
 09:04: luvly: am cool and u
 09:04: Jeff G: am cool.
 09:05: luvly: how are u doing today
 09:05: luvly: hunnie
 09:05: Jeff G: I am pretty good.
 09:05: luvly: ok
 09:06: Jeff G: I just woke up.
 09:06: luvly: can u help me
 09:06: Jeff G: How can I help?
 09:08: luvly: by send me some money
 09:08: Jeff G: Sure.
 09:09: Jeff G: I never got your picture though.
 09:09: luvly: ok
 09:09: luvly: ur camera
 09:10: luvly: or e mail
 09:10: Jeff G: wahetever. There is no chance in hell I am sending you money. You might as well stop chatting me.
 09:11: luvly: ok
 09:11: luvly: hunnie
 09:11: Jeff G: Nigeria must be a hard place to live. It seems everyone in that country just logs on and chats with strangers and asks for money. At least one or two times a month I chat with Nigerians asking for money. How do you learn these skills? From a book or a class?

Part 4: 

Not long after, on the second day, she chatted again and I changed my story to be in love with her.  She started the old practice of copying and pasting love poems found on Google.  I did too, and now she's ready to move here,

CLICK HERE FOR PART 4.